So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
