we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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