I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's blow job season.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
