Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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