So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
