last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
