At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
