tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
