yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
