what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
