My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
