I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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