my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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