LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
