another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
