So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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