shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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