I could make wine with my vomit
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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