Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize