well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
