I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
