How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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