am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
