he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Randomize
