I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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