You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
