I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
