I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
