Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
