Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
