i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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