I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
