WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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