Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
