All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
