I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
