Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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