JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
