'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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