How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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