Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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