I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize