I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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