My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
