.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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