I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
