Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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