I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
