I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
