based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Four minutes until I can fart!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
