i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
