If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
