I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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