I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
