So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize