please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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