I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
