we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
